Sometimes adjustment looks like surrender. I’ve gone through a lot of change in a short amount of time. The loss of my grandma and my father just a few months apart left me wondering where home is now that she’s gone. Her house is empty and my children will no longer play under the same tree that I did as a child. But, I remember the smells and all the love in that little house and I feel joy because of the memories that I get to keep.
With sad goodbyes and some new hellos, it’s strange to feel so mended and whole. I’m thankful for deep roots in Christ that have steadied me in a season of dramatic change. I am walking through open doors with so much blessing, but I’ve wrestled with this change telling God that my life isn’t what I thought it would look like. With hot tears that looked like question marks, I have kicked against this change and gave my heart space to mourn for a season I loved more than anything. I didn’t let anyone tell me how I should feel, I just felt every single emotion unapologetically and unfolded all the whys until I felt my heart saying “thank you” with sincere gratitude.
This must be what surrender looks like, we give something up to gain something so much better.
I’m shifting gears now and relaxing into a new normal. I’m feeling a little less psycho and more like myself.
I still don’t have it all figured out yet. I can’t even remember the last time I actually shopped for groceries or made my meal-planning list like a boss. But, you know what? My girls are still happy.
I’m gone more, but it just means that when I’m with my family time is so much sweeter.
I think we waste our days sometimes and watch too much TV. But, we are happy.
I have clutter around my house and trails telling me every last thing my ten-year-old has been into, but she is using her imagination and creating things that only her little mind could come up with. She’s so happy.
My man is doing laundry and being my wife right now and I’m pretty sure he misses his man card terribly. But, he is loving me with each pair of tiny little girl undies he folds…and he’s happy.
I’m a full-time working mom with a full-time ministry- I’m crazy tired, but I’m happy.
I don’t know what well-balanced even looks like anymore…but, I’m pretty sure I’m not even close to well or balanced.
Everything is changing, but it’s good.
We are women and we juggle life and roles, dreams and desires, and we place way too much pressure on ourselves for not getting everything done and checking off all of our unnecessary boxes.
But, if we have smiled and laughed today, then maybe we did the most important things.
If we’ve said, “I love you” each time we’ve thought it, then perhaps we have said the most important things and used our very best words.
If we have only whispered the name of Jesus once today…that one name holds so much power and life and love to hear the words our lips haven’t formed yet. Later we will find those words tucked away in our hearts that long for soul-deep faith and lift them up to the God who is ordering our steps, starts, and our new stages of surrender.
Much love to you in whatever season you find yourself in,